I have spent the last week I guess trying to make "christian" sense of all that is going on with Lucy. Many of you are likely dealing with it better than I am ....I want to say those words of "it's in God's hands" and I do say them, and I believe them...because I am a long time christian, right? Well, honestly, I have talking to God a lot about some of this mess this week (in between my prayers coveting healing for her). He has used a couple of things to reveal some things to me this week that have helped. I have researched "why do bad things happen to good people" online; listened to inspiring K Love music, and prayed a lot.
First, Rob and I have had a couple of talks and God bless that man, he is so darn good. (and can I add that yesterday 3/2/11...was the 17th anniversary of the first night he called me...one very important day in our lives, thanks to Kendra and Chad:) He always helps me see things from the right perspective (and sometimes I help him); I guess that's why we are made for each other. We talked about suffering (as I said in my last post, I have had it with watching suffering...even before Lucy, I was struggling...and now more devastating news today of the MTSU basketball players tragic death). Rob's exact words to me were "This isn't heaven, Laura." I cry as I type that. He's right, it's not. Why have heaven if we would have it here on earth. I am coming to grips with the purpose (unforseen often) in suffering. As believers, we are to do something about it. Whether it's the babies in Ethiopia (like Conner) or the sick babies in St. Jude or the kids who live in poverty. It's our job...it's part of our discipling...sitting around and whining about others or feeling pity isn't being disciples. The other part of "this isn't heaven" that I have learned this week is that life IS good. Why do we want to live so long and prolong death if it's not. We like life for the most part, right. Right now, it seem pretty darn rotten. But it's not, God made our lives for us to enjoy and he made us good and perfect in his image.
Also, reading Kate's blog has certainly inspired me. Particularly the words about her kids being God's. Rob and I have talked about that for years...we always say that and try to live it. But it is darn hard. We want what we want for them...and then we throw in some prayers about God's will. But we must stop. We must let our kids be God's. If they don't go to college or they don't get married and have 2.5 kids or the live typical American dream...if they are God's, then we should let him direct their paths. Our old preacher, John Fullerton, used to say, "if they grow up to pump gas, let them do it to the glory of God."
Then, last night at my bible study group, the lesson was on peace (Beth Moore's Living beyond Yourself; Fruit of the Spirit". Kate is not the biggest Beth Moore fan, but I couldn't, of course, stop thinking of her. I commented on Kate's blog this morning that one line she said stuck with me. "Peace doesn't come from answers; peace comes from the authority of Christ in you." Crap. I really want an answer. Will the treatments Lucy goes through get it all the first time, or will she need more? Will she need another surgery? Apparently, even if I had the exact answers and knew that Lucy would be healed completely on exact date, I still couldn't have true peace without a true relationship with Jesus.
Okay, my sermon to myself is over. I have spent the week crying with friends and myself and processing it all. I felt like I needed to write about it to get it organized in my brain. It's not over, but I think I am on the road to peace. I am going to work on living out these 3 things...1) this is not heaven, but life is good (and I will see heaven one day) 2) my kids are God's and I need to raise them like that for as long as I have them 3) Peace is only through knowing Jesus
Go Lucy Go!